Let me tell you something that happens when you stop drinking. I’m not talking about a glass of wine a night, gin at the weekend, pint with a curry sort of drinker. I’m talking about a balls out, whiskey in a jar,  where is my shoe and there is sick in my hair regular boozehound like the one I used to be.

Your momentum cranks up. Your ambition starts to lift. You realise you have unfulfilled capabilities that are hungry for your attention.

It’s nice and it’s nasty, like someone giving you a bowl of cocoa pops and then pissing in them. I like this newer, gleamier, more driven me. I’m just not used to her yet, so I give her strange things to do, like making body lotion.

Sweet Orange Body Butter, to be exact.

Now part of my radical overhaul has been to put less chemicals in and on my body. In doing so I’ve looked into all the ways you can create your own beauty products using natural ingredients. The good news is that this is surprisingly easy, and more fun than it sounds. The bad news is that I now consist of almost ninety percent oil and if I were to fall into the sea I would be an ecological disaster for the coast of Devon and Cornwall.

I tried to take some pictures of this process to illustrate this article in a dinky, slinky kinky malinky way, instagramming them to fuck in the process but I couldn’t get the angles right and it’s impossible to hold a hand blender and a camera at the same time. So I have illustrated the bits I missed out, but I think you’ll find it hard to spot where. I shall give you a clue…it’s the picture where I’m in a matador’s costume.

How to Make Body Butter.

You will need

A block of pure Cocoa Butter (about 200g)

Coconut Oil 100g

Almond Oil 100g

Melt the Cocoa Butter and the Coconut oil on a Bain Marie or a heatproof bowl on top of a saucepan filled with an inch or so of hot water if you are not posh.


Remove from heat. Leave it to cool for quarter of an hour or so.
Slowly stir in almond oil and an essential oil or combination of, for fragrance. I choose Sweet Orange because it makes my HEART SING.

They need to cool and partly solidify before you whip ‘em up. I put them outside with a saucer over the bowl as it is November and BALTIC outside but otherwise the fridge will do. They need to get to a solid consistency and will be a yellowish colour.


Pick Up Hand Blender. Turn On. Put In Bowl. Wait. Just Wait. Keep Doing It.
Ah, there. You see? Frothy whippy white satin soft clouds of lovely lotion, silkier than a Parisian’s negligee and so skin softening you’ll feel like the Marshmallow Man. Make sure you whip the whole bowl, so that all the oils are combined and frothy white, then decant it into a glass jar.

It will set. Them’s the breaks unfortunately but it sets into a solid buttery consistency that melts when it comes into contact with the skin and it smells amazing. You’ll be a bit oily for a few minutes mind so don’t apply it if you’re in a rush or the dinner is on. I moisturized my legs seconds before getting dressed the other day and as I put a leg into my skinny jeans I slid all the way through to the other side. This is TRUE.

Tomorrow. More Charity Shop Guff. WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY NEW SAUCEPAN.

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