CHARITY COPS. This is my new idea for a light entertainment show. It’s Bargain Hunt meets the Bill. It’s a Westcountry Lethal Weapon. It’s me ‘raiding’ charity shops in uniform, all day, all the time, for your viewing pleasure.

Charity Cops. Tagline – ‘You Cleared It Out, Now She Takes It Back’

Seriously Channel Five, this offer won’t be around forever. Already Sky are sniffing round my back door, and you’ll have to finish that joke off for yourself, I don’t have the time.

I’m showing you collars, I’m showing you shoulder pads, I’m giving you LOUD PATTERNS – I’m showing you a fresh Joan Collins look which says ‘I don’t have time for this shit, I got the pool boy to fuck.’
Except it only cost £1.50.


Saddle up pardners and witness the fake furmageddon. Cost me a ten piece, fits like a glove. If any protesters try to throw paint at it I will simply show them the inner label which reads 100%Acrylic, 100%Flammable and laugh in their FACES.


Green as an rolling Irish field, soft as the downy hair of a newborn, tighter than these clichés it’s a top for £2 and it’s bloody lovely it is.


We Are Robots. We Cost A Pound. A Pound? For A Kraftwerk T-Shirt Made From 100% Awesome? Yes, A Pound. That Does Not Compute. THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE.