When I was a kid I was the subject of a school assembly. I’d totally wanged someone in the neck in the school playground and hurt them quite badly. The next day the headmaster had walked up and down the stage lecturing us on the dangers of VIOLENCE, and how TERRIBLE a thing it is.
It was terrifying.
As he strode up and down, up and down I could hear the creak of his leather shoes and see his fingers interlaced behind his back. He had hairy fingers, black wiry curls down to the knuckle. Up and down. He will NOT TOLERATE VIOLENCE IN HIS SCHOOL. Up and down.
I was sweating. It is a sin TO DELIBERATELY AND INTENTIONALLY HURT ANOTHER PERSON. The tiny me, bewildered and horribly guilt stricken thought that the police were about to smash into the room and pull me out by the hair, or set an Alsatian on me while stamping on my head.
When the assembly finished and it became clear that I was not going to be imprisoned in a windowless cell underground I breathed out a sigh of relief so huge that I lifted the hair of every single person in Cornwall. I had been sweating so much I could literally glide across the polished floors like a greased eel. Never was I so happy to leave a room, not even when I had a job interview at a prestigious educational establishment and my dress fell open and even though I had a rad bra on and pretty good tits the panel were still unimpressed.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I was meant to be telling you about this awesome shit which I’ve got recently. But I’ll let my old headmaster do it.
I WILL NOT TOLERATE PUPILS NOT WEARING AWESOME KNEE HIGH ELECTRIC BLUE SOCKS.
DO NOT NEGLECT YOUR READING, IT IS THE FOUNDATION OF LEARNING.
Old wooden box used as bedside table, £1 Cancer Research.
MISS PEARCE. THIS IS THE WORST EXAMPLE OF A DRESSING TABLE I HAVE EVER SEEN. DETENTION.
But sir, it only cost £8 from Furniture Now!
THAT SHIRT IS NOT, REPEAT NOT REGULATION SCHOOL UNIFORM.
YOU KNOW THE RULES. JIGSAW PUZZLES MOST FEATURE AT LEAST ONE IMAGE OF A SCREAMING CHILD.
Jigsaw featuring emotional infant 99pentigrams, Oxfam.