Soon, some more charity shop bargains but for this post at least, something I really hate. More than freeform jazz.

 

It’s that quasi-faux-meditative-hippy bullshit that’s been doing the rounds on Facebook and Tumblr since 1827. You know the type of thing. Some blurry shot of a lotus flower and scrolling across it, the words;

‘Learn to kiss the rain, so that you can dance with the storm’

or some such utter ballbags. The sort of twee piddle which even Hallmark have rejected for being ‘utter, vacant dross’

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The one which really upsets me – the mark of a true asshat, is ‘dance like there’s nobody watching.’

Really?

 

REALLY?

 

You need to have that spelt out to you? The only time ‘Dance like there’s nobody watching’ is the answer to something is when the question is “What can I do to make myself look a tit?”

(Now I say this as someone with an overtly sexual approach to dancing which can make some people (everyone) feel uncomfortable. As anyone who has had my crotch in their face while Prince is on can attest to.)

Dance like there’s somebody about to burn your house down. Dance like you’re being attacked by wasps. Dance like you’re being judged by a po-faced panel of Dickensian workhouse characters. Dance however the fuck you want. Unless you’re Lady Gaga here is a truism – far less people have an opinion of you than you think. Least of all your dancing. I couldn’t care less. I walked past a man on the bridge yesterday dancing to a busker with some INCREDIBLE moves. It was like watching Bez dancing through a tide of treacle. Like Marcel Marceau miming a puppet being crushed by a wave of doom. It was so good I backtracked to see him again. He wasn’t just dancing like no-one was watching, he literally wasn’t aware anyone else was there. Possibly not even himself.

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Here’s my point.

This postcard caption micro-wisdom isn’t being cosmically transmitted to you by some hippy in the patchouli scented bowels of San Fransisco after some hours of transcendental meditation. It’s probably being written by an account manager called Graham in an office in Dunstable. He probably has flakes of sausage roll pastry on his chest and drives a Punto. Graham is probably using the Random Feelgood Bullshit Generator© like this one just here which I have invented for free using my brain to do the thinking and my fingers to type each letter. Just to prove that any old gold plated twat can come up with this.

 

Instructions for the Random Feelgood Bullshit Generator© are as follows.

 

Pick a number between one and ten. Done that? Good. Now pick another. Done that ? Good.

 

Now pick your first number from Column (A) and your second from Column (B). Put these two together and you have your Randomly Generated Feelgood Bullshit thought for the day. Get it on a blurry watercolour of a fucking orchid or something. Make it into a print. Get it tattooed. That’s right. Get it tattooed.

 

(A)

1) Learn how to dance in the rain…

2) Give yourself a hand to hold…

3) Make each day beautiful…

4) Pick a snail from the path of life…

5) Build a shelter from the rain…

6) You can learn to build a bridge…

7) Count each footstep…

8) Watch a butterfly take flight…

9) Let your problems float away….

10) Love like you mean it….

 

(B)

1) …because you are YOU

2) …because life is a million colours

3) …and let the bad times disappear

4) …like you have all the time in the world

5) …and you will find you have no limits

6) …because you are stronger than you think

7) …and you can dance beneath the rainbow

8) …and then love like it will never end

9) …and you will be happy

10) …as if you are full of golden light.

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